As a high school and college student, I felt like I was pretty good at making friends. Once I got married and busy with family life, I just didn’t make many new friends. It wasn’t a priority and I didn’t need it, so I thought. I remember once complaining to my wife that “so-and-so” was kind of awkward to talk to. And so was this other guy, and then another. And so on and so forth. I kept thinking, “Why are so many people bad at conversation?”
Then it dawned on me…
I was the common denominator in all of these awkward small-talk moments.
For one reason or another, I just became bad at making small talk.
I have found that I can very comfortably engage in meaningful conversations with people I already know, but when it comes to breaking the ice with new people, acquaintances, or neighbors, I have struggled.
This guide is tailored to help men transform their small talk from awkward to adept.
Why Does Small Talk Matter?
Small talk may seem inconsequential, but it serves as the gateway to deeper and more meaningful connections and friendships. It’s the preliminary step that allows you to establish rapport, build trust, and uncover common ground. Whether you’re at school, church, work, or just out and about in your neighborhood, mastering the art of small talk can set the stage for more meaningful interactions.
Preparation is Key
As with any activity, you are more likely to be successful if you adequately prepare. When you are heading out the door, think about where you are going and think about who you might see there. Plan out how you will engage in small talk in that setting.
For example, if I’m thinking about going to church, I can anticipate that I will see John Doe holding the door, Old-Man McDoogal, Bobby from my Sunday school class, and perhaps some visitors I’ve never seen before.
If I’m anticipating those encounters, I can go in with a game plan on what I want to say or ask. I can also tailor my interactions based on the type of event. For example, I might have a different idea of things to bring up if I’m going to a BBQ versus a funeral.
Having a plan based on where you are going is much easier than coming up with something to say on the fly.
Understand Your Goal in Making Small Talk
You can engage in small talk for many reasons. As you are preparing, it may be helpful to consider what your goal will be based on the encounters you anticipate you will have. Here are some of the goals you may have:
- Breaking the Ice: Small talk helps break down initial barriers and awkwardness when meeting someone for the first time. It paves the way for more substantial conversations by making both parties feel more comfortable.
- Building Rapport: Engaging in light and friendly conversation can build a sense of trust and familiarity. It helps people find common ground and establish a connection.
- Conveying Politeness: Small talk is often seen as a polite and socially expected way to interact in many situations. Ignoring small talk can be perceived as rude, standoffish, or just plain awkward.
- Gathering Information: Small talk can serve as a way to gather information about the other person, such as their interests, background, and experiences. This information can be useful for steering the conversation toward topics of mutual interest.
- Transitioning to Deeper Conversations: Small talk provides an opening to transition into more meaningful discussions. Once a level of comfort is established, people may feel more inclined to share personal thoughts, experiences, and opinions.
- Networking and Professional Relationships: In professional settings, small talk is crucial for networking and building relationships with colleagues, clients, or potential business partners. It can create a positive impression and lay the groundwork for future collaborations.
- Social Bonding: Small talk contributes to a sense of social bonding and community. Engaging in casual conversation with friends, family, or acquaintances helps maintain social connections and strengthens relationships over time.
- Managing Social Situations: Small talk can help manage social situations, diffuse tension, and avoid uncomfortable silences. It’s a valuable tool for navigating various social environments gracefully.
- Expressing Friendliness: Engaging in small talk conveys friendliness and warmth. It shows that you are interested in the other person’s well-being and willing to engage in social interaction.
- Passing the Time: In everyday life, small talk can be a way to pass the time while waiting in lines, during commutes, or in other situations where brief, casual conversations are appropriate.
In essence, the goal of small talk is to create a positive social atmosphere and lay the foundation for more meaningful connections and conversations. While it may seem superficial on the surface, it plays a crucial role in social interaction and relationship-building.
The Basics of Small Talk
Like a story, small talk has a beginning, middle, and end.
Begin with Questions: There is nothing wrong with starting small talk with an easy question like, “Hey, how’s it going?” This is basically the same as saying hello. Your next step is to try to open up a dialogue. Beginning small talk can be compared to fishing. In fishing, you cast your line out there to see where the fish are biting. Once you find this spot, you are more likely to have a good day fishing.
Asking questions is casting a line out to see if there is interest in that topic. You may do this by asking yes or no questions to gauge interest while looking for opportunities to ask more open-ended questions. The open-ended questions will help elicit a person’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
During small talk, listen actively: Effective small talk isn’t just about getting your questions or talking points in. It is about listening and learning more about the person you are talking to. If you are genuinely interested in the other person’s responses, asking follow-up questions or keeping the conversation flowing will be much easier.
Non-verbal cues can convey just as much information as words. Maintain eye contact, smile, and use affirmative gestures to show engagement and enthusiasm.
Ending small talk: Just like having a game plan helps you start small talk, having a game plan will help you exit too. Maybe you want to exchange contact information or just express appreciation for the chat. “Thanks for the chat, I’ll see you later.”
Small Talk Topics with Example Questions
You can talk about whatever topics you choose. But here is a list of some small-talk categories, with example starter questions.
The weather: Talking about the weather is a common topic for small talk because it’s so neutral and easy. Talking about the weather is really just a form of conveying politeness–you’re doing a little more than saying hello. That’s not a bad thing. But if you ask about the weather, see if you can transition to another topic based on the answer. Example: “How do you like this weather we’re having today?”
Recent Undertakings: You can ask what they have been up to recently. Maybe they did something fun, worked on a project, had family over, or something else they might be excited to share. Example: “Did you do anything fun lately?”
Upcoming Plans: Ask about whether they have plans for the summer, weekend, or holiday (as the case may be). Example: “Any big plans for this weekend?”
Family (and pets): people generally like to talk about their kids and pets. Example: “What’s your son up to nowadays?”
Hobbies and Interests: Ask about their hobbies, passions, or favorite pastimes. It’s a fantastic way to uncover common ground. Example: “Have you been doing any projects or hobbies recently?”
Travel: Share travel experiences and ask about theirs. Everyone has a travel story to tell. Example: “Have you been able to do any traveling lately?”
Books, Movies, and Music: Discussing entertainment preferences can be a great way to bond and discover shared interests. Example: “Have you read any good books lately?”
Food and Drinks: People love talking about food and drinks. Inquire about their favorite cuisine or a memorable dining experience. Example: “Do you have any favorite places to eat around town?”
Should you make Small Talk About Current Events?
I do not believe that you need to be updated on current news or trends in order to engage in small talk. Yes, that is recommended in many articles about small talk, but making small talk is not about showing you know about current trending news.
Small talk is more focused on the person and building a rapport. So much of the current news cycle these days is on topics that can be divisive. Even where you source your news can be a point of controversy.
My recommendation is to save discussions about what you are seeing in the news for conversations with people you know.
Handling Awkward Moments
Small talk can become awkward at times. This can be due to factors like unfamiliarity; differences in age, background, or culture; or the struggle to find common ground. It’s also possible that the other person is not in a position to have a longer conversation or just doesn’t wish to speak with you. Learning to navigate and evaluate these scenarios is an important part of mastering the art of small talk.
Awkward moments are most likely to occur at transition points–getting the discussion started, going from the start to a more in-depth discussion, or going from the middle to the exit.
Understanding where you are in the life of the conversation may help you address any awkward moments. For example, if you experience an awkward lull at the beginning, it may indicate that you need to try a different line of questioning. Recall the fishing analogy: you may have to cast questions in various areas until you find a good spot.
A pause in the conversation may also lead to a deeper conversation. Sometimes silence means either party can take a moment to collect thoughts before continuing the conversation.
Alternatively, you may find an awkward lull to be a good off-ramp. I knew a guy in college who, when an awkward silence arose, would use a line Jim Carrey says in Dumb & Dumber. “Big gulps, eh? Well, see ya later!” It worked for him. He was hilarious.
Don’t be disheartened by the occasional awkward moment. Instead, view each conversation as an opportunity to refine your small talk skills. The more you engage in these interactions, the more effortless and enjoyable they will become.
Practice Makes Perfect
Like any skill, your ability to engage in small talk will improve with preparation and practice. By preparing, mastering the basics, and handling awkward moments, anyone can transform their small talk game from awkward to adept. So, step out of your comfort zone, embrace the art of small talk, and watch your social interactions flourish.
